Who Told You You Had to Carry It All?
Learning What Is Yours to Carry and What Is Not
By Deborah Stallings, MA, SHRM-SCP
The Baggage Someone Else Packed for Her
In 1888, journalist Nellie Bly walked into the office of the New York World with an idea. She wanted the newspaper to send her around the world so she could try to beat the fictional 80-day journey made famous by Jules Verne.
Her editors saw a problem, and much of their concern centered on the fact that she was a woman. One newspaper executive argued that a woman would need a chaperone and so much luggage that the trip would become too slow. A man, he said, could travel without the “dozen trunks” they assumed a woman would need.
Bly did not accept their assumptions. When she finally left New York on November 14, 1889, she carried one small piece of hand luggage measuring only about 16 inches wide and seven inches high. She packed what she believed she needed and left the rest behind. She completed her journey around the world in just over 72 days.
What stays with me about this story is not simply that Nellie Bly traveled light. Before she ever packed her bag, other people had already decided how much baggage she would need, what would slow her down, what she could manage, and why someone else might be better suited for the journey.
They had packed a story for her before she packed anything for herself. Bly questioned their story, which makes me wonder how often we carry baggage someone else packed for us.
The Invisible Bags We Carry
Not all baggage has handles. Some of it looks like responsibility, guilt, family expectations, work, loyalty, fear, other people’s problems, or the belief that we must keep everyone satisfied.
Sometimes the bag was handed to us. Sometimes we picked it up because no one else did. Sometimes we saw a need and decided it was ours to meet. Sometimes we have carried something for so long that we no longer remember when we first picked it up.
The thoughts behind that kind of carrying can sound reasonable. We tell ourselves, “If I do not do it, who will?” “They are counting on me.” “I can handle one more thing.” “It is easier if I just do it myself.” “I do not want to disappoint anyone.” “They need me.” “I have always been the strong one.”
None of those thoughts is automatically wrong. There are seasons when love, leadership, family, faith, work, or service can ask more of us. There are responsibilities that truly are ours. The deeper question is whether we have learned to distinguish between what we can carry and what is actually ours to carry.
Our ability to carry a load does not make the load our responsibility. Capacity tells us something about what we are able to do, but it does not decide what belongs in our hands.
When the Burden Was Never Yours
Maya Angelou carried a burden as a child that no child should have had to carry. After she was sexually abused as a young girl, she told her family who had hurt her. The man was later killed, and in the reasoning of a frightened child, Angelou came to believe that telling his name had caused his death.
She believed her voice had killed him. Because of that belief, she stopped speaking to almost everyone for years, speaking only to her brother. The guilt was not hers to carry, and her voice was not responsible for his death. Yet she carried that guilt as though it belonged to her. Angelou later described this experience herself in interviews and in her writing.
Her experience was extreme, but it reveals something important. We do not only carry what people clearly assign to us. We can also take responsibility for feelings, choices, events, and outcomes that were never fully within our control.
A relationship ends, and we decide that all the blame belongs to us. Someone is unhappy with a decision we made, and we believe it is our job to remove their disappointment. A family member or friend makes choices we cannot control, yet we feel responsible for fixing the outcome. A team member does not follow through, so the leader quietly finishes the work. Two adults are in conflict, and someone else becomes responsible for keeping everyone at peace.
Over time, carrying can begin to feel like caring. Yet caring about someone is not the same as being responsible for everything that happens to them.
Questioning the story does not mean refusing responsibility. It means becoming more honest about where our responsibility begins, where it ends, and what may never have belonged to us at all.
When Carrying Starts Early
I learned about responsibility very early in life. When my brother and I were six and seven years old, we picked cotton, fed chickens, planted and harvested fruits, vegetables, and nuts, and helped care for our mother, who lived with a disability. Work was not something waiting for us in adulthood. Caring for people and doing what needed to be done were already part of our lives.
Those experiences taught me many things. They taught me how to work, serve, persevere, care for others, and accept responsibility. I do not look back and decide that everything I learned from those years was harmful. Much of what I learned became part of the strength I carried into adulthood.
At the same time, I can now see something else. Carrying was familiar to me long before I became an adult. When responsibility becomes familiar early, we may enter adulthood already knowing how to notice what needs to be done, step forward, take care of people, and keep going.
Researchers use the term parentification to describe situations in which children are required to take on parent-like or adult responsibilities that are not suited to their age. A 2023 review examined 95 studies and found that the results are not the same for every child. Some young people developed positive coping skills and strength, while others experienced emotional, behavioral, or physical problems. Support, circumstances, and the young person’s understanding of the experience all mattered.
That difference matters because the goal is not to look backward and turn every childhood responsibility into a wound. The better question is what those early experiences taught us about ourselves, responsibility, and what we believe we must carry.
Did I learn that being useful was how I contributed? Did I learn that strong people do not ask for support? Did I learn that if I noticed a problem, I was responsible for solving it? Did I learn to take care of everyone else before considering what I needed?
Some early lessons continue to serve us well. Others may need to be questioned because the circumstances have changed, even though the story we learned has not.
When Work Becomes Proof
Sometimes we carry too much for another reason. We may be trying to prove that we are enough.
Confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth are not exactly the same thing, but each can shape the way we respond to responsibility. When we question our ability, value, or place, doing more can begin to feel like evidence that we belong.
The thoughts may sound like this: If I work harder, perhaps they will recognize my value. If I accomplish more, perhaps I will finally feel successful enough. If I never drop the ball, perhaps no one will question whether I belong here. If I keep saying yes, perhaps I will remain needed. If I become the person everyone depends on, perhaps my place will feel secure.
Research gives us reason to take this seriously without assuming that it applies to everyone. A study of 414 working adults found that lower self-esteem was linked with higher levels of unhealthy overwork, which was then linked with longer work hours and greater work stress. The study does not mean that every hard-working person has low self-esteem, but it does show that for some people, work and self-worth can become closely connected.
A 2026 study adds another interesting layer. Employees who had more frequent thoughts that they might not be as capable as others believed tended to put forth even more effort when they were already facing too much work. The researchers call these workplace impostor thoughts.
This pattern can be difficult to recognize because the outside world often rewards it. The person who does more may receive praise, raises, promotions, awards, opportunities, or greater responsibility. What looks like exceptional commitment from the outside may sometimes include an unspoken need to keep proving worth on the inside.
That raises a harder question: Am I doing this because the work requires it, or because I need the work to prove something about myself?
There is nothing wrong with working hard. Excellence is not the problem. Commitment is not the problem, and neither is ambition. The concern begins when achievement quietly becomes responsible for telling us whether we are worthy.
When achievement becomes evidence of our worth, enough can become difficult to find. Another project, another achievement, another person who depends on us, or another task completed may provide a brief sense of value, but then another one is needed. We add another bag, not because the journey requires it, but because carrying it makes us feel valuable.
Work can demonstrate our ability. It was never meant to determine our worth.
What Animals Can Teach Us About the Load
Nature gives us an interesting picture of the difference between what can be carried and what makes sense to carry. Consider the working donkey and the leaf-cutter ant.
Researchers studying working donkeys in Pakistan interviewed 332 owners. According to the owners’ estimates, 87.4 percent of the donkeys carried loads greater than half of their own body weight, and about one quarter carried more than 90 percent of their body weight. The researchers identified heavy loading as a serious concern for the animals’ well-being.
The donkey does not decide how much will be placed on its back. Someone else determines the load, and there is a human lesson worth considering in that picture.
People may learn that we are dependable, capable, generous, responsive, or willing. Because we carried the last load successfully, another one appears. Then another arrives, and what began as strength can slowly become someone else’s expectation.
Now consider the leaf-cutter ant. Researchers found that these ants could carry up to about 8.8 times their body mass, yet the larger ants did not routinely carry the maximum amount they were physically able to carry. They kept more of their carrying capacity in reserve.
Another study found that when traffic increased along their trails, leaf-cutter ants became less likely to choose extra-large loads. A larger load could slow the carrier and affect the flow of the ants behind it. The load that worked under one condition did not necessarily make sense under another.
There is wisdom in that distinction. Maximum capacity is not always wise capacity, and the heaviest load we can carry is not always the one that best serves the journey.
Sometimes strength requires reserve. Sometimes wisdom means leaving enough capacity for what we cannot yet see coming.
When Responsibility Becomes Too Much
Workplace researchers use the term role overload when the demands placed on someone become greater than the time, energy, or resources available to meet them. It is more than simply having a busy week. It describes a mismatch between the demands of a role and the person’s available capacity.
A major 2026 review brought together 515 studies, 588 samples, and data from 787,959 people across about 60 years of research. The researchers found that role overload, unclear roles, and conflicting demands are related but different workplace stressors; each has its own effects.
There is also work that does not appear on a task list. Some people spend great amounts of energy managing what they show, staying pleasant when they are upset, absorbing tension, calming everyone else, or trying to create peace in difficult situations.
A review of 95 studies found that certain forms of this emotional work, especially regularly hiding or pretending emotions to meet job expectations, were linked with poorer well-being. That does not mean people should say everything they feel or stop managing themselves. Emotional intelligence includes learning how to respond with wisdom.
There is, however, a difference between managing ourselves and believing we must manage everyone else. We do not have to make every emotion in the room our responsibility.
When Leaders Carry Too Much
This statement becomes especially important in leadership. Capable leaders often know how to get things done. They solve problems, make decisions, address conflict, answer questions, correct mistakes, protect the organization, and keep work moving.
The challenge is that capability can make carrying everything look like strong leadership. A leader who steps in every time something becomes difficult can become highly valued, yet the same pattern can limit the growth of the people around that leader.
- If I answer every question, when does someone else learn to decide?
- If I solve every problem, when does someone else learn to solve one?
- If I step in every time something becomes difficult, when does someone else build confidence?
- If I absorb every consequence, when does accountability grow?
- If every important decision has to come through me, have I developed a strong team, or have I simply made myself necessary to everything?
Research on empowering leadership gives us another way to think about this. A review of 105 samples found that leadership that gives people greater ownership and meaningful responsibility was linked to stronger performance, creativity, and contributions beyond basic job requirements. Trust and employees’ sense of power to act also played important roles.
This does not mean leaders disappear or hand responsibility to people who are not prepared for it. Leaders still set direction, explain expectations, provide resources, coach, make difficult decisions, and hold people accountable.
Leadership, however, is not carrying everyone else’s bags. Sometimes, the most important thing a leader can do is allow another person to carry what belongs to them.
Doing more is not always the same as leading well. Sometimes, good leadership means developing people who no longer need us to do everything for them.
What Faith Teaches Us About the Load
Scripture gives us a powerful example in Exodus 18. Moses was serving as judge for the people from morning until evening. People brought their disputes to him, and Moses handled them himself.
His father-in-law, Jethro, watched what was happening and challenged the way Moses was working. He warned that Moses and the people would wear themselves out because the work was too heavy for Moses to handle alone. Jethro advised him to keep the responsibilities that truly belonged to him while selecting capable people to handle other matters.
The answer was not for Moses to become stronger. The answer was for Moses to stop carrying alone what could be wisely shared.
Sometimes faithfulness means carrying a difficult responsibility. Sometimes faithfulness means sharing the load, trusting another person, or admitting that something is too much for one person to carry.
Galatians 6 gives us an equally important lesson. Verse 2 tells us to carry one another’s burdens, while verse 5 tells us that each person has a load of their own to carry. Scripture leaves room for both compassion and responsibility.
There are burdens that become too heavy for someone to bear alone, and love calls us to come alongside them. There are also responsibilities that belong to each of us, and love does not require us to take those responsibilities away from one another.
Discernment helps us know the difference. Perhaps the question is not whether we are willing to carry, but whether we understand what this moment is asking us to carry.
Question. Remember. Move.™
Once we recognize that not every load belongs to us, we need a way to decide what to carry, what to share, and what to release. Question. Remember. Move.™ gives us a practical way to do that.
Question the Story.™
- What am I carrying?
- How did it become mine?
- Is it actually mine?
- What am I trying to prove by carrying it?
- What do I believe will happen if I put it down?
Remember Who You Are.
- Clarify what you value.
- Review the facts and evidence.
- Recall what experience has taught you.
- Return to your faith and wise counsel.
Move with Courage.
- Carry what is yours.
- Share what is ours to carry together.
- Return what belongs to someone else.
- Release what was never yours to carry.
This does not mean becoming less caring, generous, responsible, or committed. It means allowing our care to become wiser.
There will be times when we choose to carry something difficult because love requires it. There will be seasons when family, leadership, ministry, business, or community asks more of us, and there will be moments when someone genuinely needs us to help carry a burden they cannot carry alone.
The question is not, “How do I make my life easy?” A more useful question is, “What is mine to carry in this season, and what is not?”
Reflection
Consider what you are carrying today. Not every responsibility has the same meaning, and not every burden belongs in your hands. These questions are an invitation to pause and consider what is yours to carry in this season.
- What needs to be shared rather than carried alone?
- Where have you confused being capable with being responsible?
- Has achievement become connected to how you measure your value?
- Is there something you once needed to carry that no longer belongs in this season of your life?
- If you are a leader, what are you carrying that someone else needs the opportunity to learn, own, or manage?
- What burden in your life requires support rather than more strength?
- What might become possible if you released something that is no longer yours to carry?
The goal is not to put everything down. It is to become more aware of what we are carrying, why we are carrying it, and whether it still belongs in our hands.
That awareness can give us the clarity to carry what is ours with purpose, share what should be shared, and release what no longer belongs to us.
My Commitment
I will not measure my strength only by how much I can endure, how much work I can accomplish, or how indispensable I can become. I will seek wisdom about what is mine to carry, what is ours to carry together, what belongs to someone else, and what I can finally release.
I will remain generous without making every need my responsibility. I will support others without taking away the responsibility they need to own, and I will ask for support when a burden is too heavy to carry alone.
I will not use overwork to prove my worth. My accomplishments may demonstrate what I can do, but they do not determine who I am or what I am worth.
I will remember that putting something down is not always quitting. Sometimes putting something down is wisdom, and sometimes it creates the room I need to carry what truly belongs to me.
“Strength is not measured only by how much we can carry. Sometimes strength is knowing what we can finally put down.”
– Deborah Stallings
What Are You Carrying?
Nellie Bly traveled around the world with one small bag. What interests me most is not simply how little she packed, but that other people had decided what she would need before she had packed anything at all.
She questioned their story. Perhaps what we are carrying has a story worth questioning, too.
We may be carrying something because our family expected it, our workplace rewarded it, our leadership role seemed to demand it, or a younger version of us learned that being useful, strong, responsible, successful, or needed was important. We may be carrying something because we believe love means fixing what someone else is facing, or because putting it down would cause us to question who we are.
We may even be carrying another bag because we are still trying to prove that we deserve to be on the journey.
But capacity is not the same as responsibility, and responsibility is not the same as worth. What we can carry, what we are called to carry, and who we are represent three different things.
We do not have to put everything down. We do need to know what we are carrying, why we are carrying it, and whether it still belongs in our hands.
The next time another responsibility is placed before us, perhaps we can pause, be prayerful and thoughtful, and resist the urge to ask first whether we are strong enough to carry it.
A wiser place to begin may be with a different question:
Is this mine to carry?
About Deborah
Deborah Stallings, MA, SHRM-SCP, is a speaker, leadership advisor, executive coach, and Founder and CEO of HR Anew. She is the creator of Question the Story™ | Discover the Truth™, a thought leadership platform that encourages individuals and leaders to examine the stories that shape how they see themselves, make decisions, lead, and move forward. With more than 30 years of human resources and leadership experience, Deborah brings together leadership, human behavior, faith, and lived experience to inspire greater self-awareness, discernment, growth, and courageous action.
About HR Anew
HR Anew is a nationally WBENC-certified woman-owned professional services firm that collaborates with organizations to strengthen leadership, talent, workplace culture, and organizational performance. Since 1999, HR Anew has provided fractional human resources leadership, executive and leadership coaching, leadership development, workplace investigations, talent solutions, and workforce training. At the heart of our work is a simple belief: when people grow and thrive, organizations grow and scale.
Learn more at www.HRAnew.com.
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