Beyond Blame: Rethinking Our Relationships with Those Who Raised Us
By Deborah Stallings, MA, SHRM-SCP
A Season of Reflection
May is often a time of celebration. With Mother’s Day, many pause to honor the women who nurtured, guided, and shaped their lives. For some, this is a season filled with gratitude and joy; for others, it brings reflection, grief, distance, or unresolved questions. For many, it is a mixture of all of these. This complexity calls us to consider how we move beyond simply assigning blame or praise in our relationships.
For me, this time of year carries deep meaning. My mother passed away in January 2024, and I miss her more than words can express. Our relationship changed over time. As a young adult, I was not as close to my mom. I only lived with or was around her for about five to seven years of my childhood, and did not fully understand adult relationships then. My understanding of her was limited for many reasons during those years.
It was not until my early thirties, as I grew in my faith and began to better understand her journey, that I made a conscious decision to build a relationship with her. Over time, that relationship deepened in ways I could not have imagined. By the time she passed, we were very close. I would have moved the moon and stars for her. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to get this right long before she transitioned.
My mother, though paralyzed, carried strength, wisdom, and a presence that shaped me profoundly. She was an orator in her youth and recited powerful pieces, such as the Gettysburg Address. Today, as I write and educate, I know that part of that gift lives on through me. This article, in many ways, is also a way of honoring her.
My story illustrates a broader theme. We can choose how we understand, relate to, and move forward from the impact of our early relationships. This choice, rather than blame, lies at the heart of how we grow.
Understanding the Impact of Our Beginnings
We live in a time where discussions about family, especially about parents and mothers, can quickly shift toward blame. It is not uncommon to hear individuals attribute their pain, struggles, or challenges to their upbringing. While acknowledging that our early relationships have a significant impact is true, blame alone does not lead us forward.
Research in attachment theory, originally developed by British psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, helps us understand this impact more clearly. This well-established area of psychology shows that early relationships with caregivers influence how we regulate emotions, build trust, and connect with others throughout our lives.
Neuroscience also suggests that early experiences can shape how we respond to stress and relationships over time. These insights matter. They remind us that our beginnings are not insignificant.
At the same time, every human being is uniquely created. Each of us carries our own temperament, personality, and biological wiring. Research shows that children are born with distinct temperaments, which means that even within the same household, individuals can experience the same parent very differently. Our individual makeup, combined with our life experiences, influences how we interpret and respond to the relationships around us.
This is not about assigning fault. It is about recognizing complexity.
No two people experience the same parent in the same way. And no parent shows up exactly the same in every circumstance.
Holding Two Truths at Once
That brings us to an important truth. We can hold two realities at once.
Some individuals were raised in environments filled with love, support, and stability. Others experienced absence, hardship, or pain. And many experienced a combination of both.
Caregivers themselves are human beings, shaped by their own upbringing, their circumstances, their stress, and the knowledge and resources they had at the time.
Many parents are doing the best they can with what they know, even when the outcome is imperfect.
As Maya Angelou wisely said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
This perspective invites compassion without dismissing lived experiences. It allows space for truth without forcing a single narrative.
Moving Beyond Blame
The real shift, and my central argument, happens when we move beyond blame toward personal agency and greater understanding in all relationships.
At some point in adulthood, growth requires us to transition from asking, “What happened to me?” to also asking, “What do I choose to do with what happened to me?”
This is not about minimizing pain or ignoring the past. It is about reclaiming agency.
Research on resilience and emotional intelligence shows that self-awareness, reflection, and intentional behavior are key drivers of personal and professional growth. Individuals who take time to understand their patterns, triggers, and responses are better equipped to lead, communicate, and build meaningful relationships.
Brené Brown, known for her research on vulnerability, shame, and connection, reminds us that we are wired for connection. Yet meaningful connection requires us to own our stories rather than remain defined by them. Growth begins when we are willing to reflect with honesty and move forward with intention.
How This Shows Up at Work
This conversation is not only personal. It shows up in the workplace every day.
The ways we respond to feedback, handle conflict, build trust, and engage with authority are often influenced by our earliest relationships. Someone who experienced consistent support may approach leadership and collaboration differently than someone who experienced inconsistency or uncertainty. Neither person is fixed in that pattern, but awareness matters.
Healthy, respectful, and compassionate relationships are fundamental to both personal fulfillment and professional success. Shifting from blame to understanding is essential for building meaningful connections, within families, workplaces, and communities. This is the core argument throughout this article.
One powerful practice is to seek to understand before seeking to be understood. When we approach others with curiosity rather than assumptions, we create space for empathy, even in complex or strained relationships.
When individuals develop self-awareness, they gain the ability to respond rather than react.
They begin to lead from intention rather than from unexamined patterns. This creates stronger teams, healthier communication, and more effective leadership.
What We Can Do Moving Forward
For individuals, it begins with reflection, empathy, and grace.
Consider what you have learned from your upbringing, both positive and challenging. Reflect on one lesson that has served you well and one pattern you may still be working to unlearn. Notice where blame may be keeping you stuck and consider what it would look like to take a step toward ownership.
This is not about fixing everything at once. It is about growing with intention. Seeking support through coaching, mentoring, or personal development can be part of that journey. And just as importantly, extending compassion to yourself along the way matters.
For leaders, the opportunity is to create environments where people can show up as whole individuals.
This means fostering psychological safety, avoiding assumptions about family dynamics, and recognizing that people bring diverse life experiences into the workplace. It also means modeling self-awareness and accountability in your own leadership. When leaders demonstrate reflection and growth, it sets the tone for others to do the same.
For HR professionals, there is a unique responsibility and opportunity to lead with inclusion and care.
This can include using inclusive language when discussing family and caregiving, offering benefits that support a wide range of caregiving responsibilities, and ensuring access to resources such as emotional wellness support and employee assistance programs. It also means being thoughtful about how holidays like Mother’s Day are acknowledged in the workplace, allowing space for participation without expectation.
Organizations that recognize the full humanity of their people create cultures where individuals can thrive, not just perform.
Rethinking What It Means to Honor
As we reflect during this season, it may also be helpful to rethink what it means to honor our parents.
Honor does not require perfection or agreement. It does not mean ignoring pain or forcing a connection where it may not exist. Honor can take many forms. It can be expressed through genuine gratitude. It can be reflected in the healthy boundaries we set to protect our well-being. It can be found in the lessons we carry forward and the cycles we choose to change.
There is a saying that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Perhaps another way to think about this is that those who nurture, guide, and influence others shape not only families, but workplaces, communities, the world, and future generations.
And that influence does not end with them. It continues through us.
A Personal Reflection
As I reflect on my own journey, I see how relationships can evolve, how understanding can grow, and how connection, even if it comes later, can still bring meaning and transformation.
Not everyone will have the opportunity to rebuild or deepen a parental relationship, however, everyone can choose to reflect, grow, and decide how to move forward, carrying both acceptance and hope.
Looking ahead, however you choose to engage, whether through celebration, remembrance, reflection, or simply moving through your days, know that your experience is valid.
What might this season invite you to reflect on in your own journey?
To sum up, while we cannot choose our beginnings, we have the power to decide how we move forward. Key takeaways include recognizing the complexity of our relationships, moving beyond blame to agency, and making intentional choices with compassion and self-awareness. These steps can support meaningful growth for ourselves and those around us.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1979). Infant–mother attachment. American Psychologist, 34(10), 932–937. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.34.10.932
Angelou, M. (2013). Letter to my daughter. Random House.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong. Spiegel & Grau.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam Books.
Kagan, J. (1994). Galen’s prophecy: Temperament in human nature. Basic Books.
Masten, A. S. (2014). Ordinary magic: Resilience in development. Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Stephen R. Covey’s “seek to understand, then to be understood” concept is drawn from:
Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Powerful lessons in personal change. Free Press.
About Deborah Stallings, MA, SHRM-SCP
Deborah Stallings is a visionary CEO, speaker and educator, and human resources strategist who turns workplace chaos into clarity. She helps leaders handle what hurts before it happens, restore trust, and build high-performing teams rooted in purpose, truth, and care.
Her story began in Chicago’s public housing and on her grandparents’ farm in Mississippi, where she learned resilience, helping to care for her paralyzed mother and younger brother. Those humble beginnings shaped her faith, courage, lifelong learning, and the belief that leadership is a sacred responsibility to serve, uplift, and build with integrity.
As Founder and CEO of HR Anew, Deborah has spent more than 30 years transforming organizations through inclusive leadership and strategic HR innovation. Known for delivering hard truths with grace, she helps CEOs, executives, and nonprofit leaders make wise decisions that protect people, culture, and results.
When you work with Deborah, you gain more than an advisor; you gain a collaborator in transformation. Her team of Human Resources (HR), Recruitment, Training, and Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) experts shares her values of wisdom, excellence, continuous learning, and servant leadership. Together, they deliver solutions that prevent or reduce risk, save time and money, and create workplaces where people thrive.
Credentials and Impact
- 27 years Founder, CEO, and Chief HR Officer, HR Anew.
- 35+ years HR expertise: Human Resources Strategy | Recruitment |Talent Development | Workplace Investigations.
- Fractional and fully outsourced strategic HR solutions for healthcare and mission-minded small businesses.
- Workplace Investigations and Training Expert for Government and Enterprise Employers.
- Featured Speaker on People | Purpose | Performance.
- Mom | Grandmother | Educator and Teacher.
- Inspiring people to lead with confidence.
- Leads a WBENC nationally certified woman owned small business.
- Master’s Degree, Management and Leadership | Bachelor’s Degree, Business Administration, Notre Dame of Maryland University.
- Senior Certified Professional (SCP), Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM).
- Aspiring author and advocate for faith-filled, future-ready workplaces.
Deborah believes that when leaders align people, purpose, and performance, they do not just build companies; they build legacies.
About HR Anew
HR Anew is a leading human resources advisory and educational firm that integrates seamlessly into your organization to maximize success and inspire transformation. We work in harmony with your existing team or can serve as your entire HR department. Our presence brings peace of mind to executives, leaders, and teams. Whether on-site, virtual, or a customized blend of both, our solutions are designed to meet you where you are and scale as your needs evolve.
We bring deep expertise across human resources, recruitment, training, workplace investigations (EEO), inclusion and belonging initiatives, leadership development and mentoring, team development, workforce planning, and HR innovation. Guided by a vision to prioritize people and power performance, HR Anew delivers tailored solutions aligned with your strategic goals to drive measurable impact. Whether you need support with recruitment strategy, compliance, employee engagement, or strengthening your HR infrastructure, we collaborate with organizations to deliver excellence, speed, and sustainable growth.
You grow your business. We manage the HR details and complexities so you can focus on growth, impact, and the people you serve. From federal and multi-state compliance to employee relations, from engagement to performance management, we ensure your company benefits from the most current HR strategies and practices, helping you compete effectively and confidently.
Your people are your business, driving your culture, your results, and your long-term success. We are relationship builders and connectors who ensure your people are supported, informed, and empowered to perform at their highest level.
Let us get to know each other. Connect at CEO@hranew.com.