When “Too Much” Is What the Moment Needs
Who Taught You to Make Yourself Smaller?
By Deborah Stallings, MA, SHRM-SCP, Founder and CEO of HR Anew
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7, NIV
Author’s note: The opening story is a composite inspired by several true experiences. Circumstances and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.
When Curiosity Was Called Too Much
A leader was asked to help someone she cared about navigate a complicated and emotionally charged situation. Information was arriving quickly. Several people were involved, emotions were heightened, and a consequential decision appeared to be moving forward before everyone fully understood the circumstances, potential impact, or available options.
Rather than assuming she knew what should happen, the leader became curious. There was no claim of having all the answers, no attempt to assume authority, and no pretense of possessing expertise she did not have. Something simply seemed incomplete. Questions were asked, additional information was gathered, appropriate experts within her network were consulted, and those involved were encouraged to consider whether another perspective might be useful before proceeding.
At one point, someone told the leader that she was doing too much. The words landed harder than expected.
The importance of respecting roles, relationships, and boundaries was clear. Caring deeply did not automatically confer the right to control the outcome, so a conscious decision was made to step back. But something else happened internally. The leader did not simply step back from the situation. She began stepping away from her own voice.
Later, additional information emerged, and the people responsible for the decision chose a different path. The questions raised contributed to further exploration and greater clarity. No one person possessed all the answers, but curiosity had value. Concern had value. The willingness to ask another thoughtful question and seek informed counsel had value.
Proverbs 15:22 tells us, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Seeking counsel does not require us to surrender our judgment to every opinion. It requires enough humility to recognize that wisdom may emerge when we invite appropriate perspectives into the conversation.
The experience left the leader with a question many of us may need to ask: Was this truly a case of doing too much, or was the moment calling for care, curiosity, discernment, and courage?
I recognized myself in that response because I have done this too.
When I Go Inward
When I am uncertain, criticized, or concerned that I may have been misunderstood, I often go inward. I think things over and through. I revisit the conversation and examine what was said, what I heard, what I felt, and what I may have missed. I pray. I reflect on what belongs to me, what may be true, what may be incomplete, and what I need to learn.
For a while, my voice may grow quieter. Sometimes I need that time. Reflection helps me regulate my emotions, gather information, and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. Prayer helps me return to what I know to be true. Trusted counsel can help me see what I might not see on my own.
There is, however, a difference between becoming quiet so that we can hear more clearly and becoming silent because we no longer trust ourselves. There is a difference between respecting a boundary and disappearing. There is a difference between humility and making ourselves smaller.
A pause can be healthy. It can give us the time and space to process our emotions, examine the facts, pray, seek wisdom, and decide how we want to respond. The question is whether we use the pause to regain clarity or allow it to become the place where we abandon our voices.
The Dimmer Switch and the Light We Carry
Many of us do not completely silence ourselves. Instead, we install a dimmer switch and gradually lower our light.
A criticism turns the light down. A rejection lowers it again. Someone calls us difficult, overly questioning, intimidating, emotional, ambitious, opinionated, demanding, intense, or too much. Each experience can teach us to reduce ourselves a little more.
We begin to soften the question we wanted to ask. We minimize accomplishments we should acknowledge and fail to celebrate our wins. We lower our expectations. We enter the next room carrying less confidence than we brought into the last one. We withhold an idea because we do not want anyone to think we are trying to take over. We remain silent even when our experience tells us that something important may be missing.
We are still in the room, but we are no longer fully illuminated.
In Matthew 5, Jesus tells His followers that they are the light of the world and instructs them to let their light shine. The purpose of light is not to draw attention to itself. Light helps people see. It illuminates what may otherwise remain hidden. It can offer direction, warmth, clarity, and hope.
Letting our light shine is not an invitation to overpower others, dominate a room, or assume that our perspective is always correct. It is an invitation to stop hiding what has been entrusted to us. Our wisdom, experience, compassion, creativity, discernment, voice, and leadership are not meant to remain hidden simply because someone else may misunderstand their brightness.
The dimmer switch becomes dangerous when we confuse making other people comfortable with being humble. We may believe we are protecting relationships while gradually withholding the very qualities those relationships, organizations, and communities may need.
Perhaps you have done this at work or in your business. You delayed making the ask. You lowered the price before the client objected. You waited for another credential before pursuing an opportunity. You allowed someone else to speak with authority about a subject you understood well. You told yourself you were being humble when you were actually afraid of how your confidence might be perceived.
Perhaps you have done it in your family. You stopped expressing what you needed because you did not want to be viewed as demanding. You avoided asking questions because someone might accuse you of overthinking or being too much. You allowed another person’s interpretation of your motives to become more powerful than what you knew to be true about your own heart.
Perhaps you have done it within yourself. You accumulated years of evidence that you are capable, resilient, discerning, compassionate, and prepared, yet one painful comment caused you to put your entire identity back on trial.
Some of us have enough evidence to fill a courtroom. Still, one person says, “You are too much,” and suddenly we become both the accused and the prosecutor.
Why Words Can Hurt So Deeply
Human beings desire connection and belonging. We want to know that our presence is welcome, our contribution matters, and our relationships are secure. When those needs appear threatened, the experience can affect us more deeply than we may be willing to admit.
Psychologists Naomi Eisenberger, Matthew Lieberman, and Kipling Williams studied the effects of social exclusion and found activity in neural systems also associated with the distressing component of physical pain. This does not mean that every criticism is equivalent to a physical injury. It does help explain why exclusion and rejection can feel genuinely painful rather than merely inconvenient.
Psychologists Geraldine Downey and Scott Feldman developed influential research on rejection sensitivity. Their work described a pattern in which people may anxiously expect rejection, perceive intentional rejection in ambiguous behavior, and respond more intensely when they believe it is occurring. Earlier experiences can therefore affect what we anticipate and how we interpret present interactions.
Sometimes we are responding to the words directly in front of us. Sometimes we are also responding to every earlier room in which we felt dismissed, excluded, underestimated, or unwanted.
Proverbs 18:21 reminds us that the tongue has the power of life and death. Words can encourage, clarify, heal, and call forth potential. They can also wound, confuse, diminish, and remain with a person long after a conversation has ended.
In his YouVersion Bible plan, Who God Says I Am: Let God’s Word Have the Final Say, author and international speaker Jackie Bledsoe uses a memorable illustration about the power of our words. He compares them to toothpaste. Once toothpaste has been squeezed from the tube, it cannot be placed neatly back inside. In much the same way, we can apologize for harmful words, but we cannot always remove their effect. The illustration reminds us to choose our words with wisdom and care. YouVersion identifies Bledsoe as the provider of the seven-day plan, which centers on replacing old labels and harmful self-talk with what God says about our identity.
A comment in the present can awaken an old story:
- Do not draw attention to yourself.
- Do not question authority.
- Do not make other people uncomfortable.
- Do not speak too confidently.
- Do not let people know how much you have accomplished.
- Do not become too successful.
- Do not be too ambitious.
- Do not be too much.
These messages may have come from people who intended to teach respect, restraint, or humility. But a lesson about humility can become a story about invisibility. A lesson about respecting authority can become a fear of asking necessary questions. A desire to belong can become a willingness to abandon parts of ourselves in exchange for acceptance.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow placed love, belonging, and esteem among important human needs. His original theory also recognized that our behavior may be influenced by several needs at the same time. We may want to grow, contribute, and use our gifts, yet fear that doing so could threaten our acceptance within a family, team, organization, or community.
That tension is often where we reach for the dimmer switch. We know we have something valuable to offer. We are simply not sure what offering it may cost us.
Criticism, Rejection, and Accusation
Criticism, rejection, and accusation can each affect us, but they do not ask the same thing of us.
Criticism asks us to evaluate information. Is there something in my behavior, timing, approach, or delivery that I need to examine?
Rejection asks us to withstand disconnection. Can I remain grounded when someone does not accept, understand, or choose me?
Accusation can threaten our character, credibility, and sense of identity. Can I listen carefully without accepting another person’s conclusion as the complete truth about who I am?
Not every criticism is an attempt to silence us. Not every uncomfortable response means someone is threatened by our strength. Sometimes feedback reveals something important. We may have interrupted, overstepped, spoken without listening, assumed responsibility that did not belong to us, or allowed our urgency to override another person’s autonomy.
Sometimes “too much” really is too much. We may be attempting to control an outcome, repeating a point already understood, operating outside our role or expertise, or confusing intensity with effectiveness.
Humility requires us to remain open to those possibilities. Feedback, however, should serve as information for discernment, not as an automatic verdict on our identity.
Before reaching for the dimmer switch, we can ask ourselves:
- Am I taking over, or am I making a meaningful contribution?
- Am I disregarding a boundary, or am I asking an important question?
- Am I listening as carefully as I am speaking?
- Does my approach need to change, or am I being asked to disappear?
- What does this moment require from me?
The answer may be to step back. It may be to apologize. It may mean listening more carefully, respecting a boundary, or changing our approach. Sometimes, however, the answer is to remain present and, when prepared, speak again with greater wisdom, clarity, and courage.
Leadership Requires Voice
Leadership is not reserved for people with titles. We exercise leadership in our families, workplaces, businesses, communities, and daily choices. Some people demonstrate leadership tendencies early, and all of us can continue developing our ability to influence, serve, decide, and act with courage.
We lead when we ask a question others have avoided, notice someone who has been overlooked, acknowledge what we do not know, and seek informed guidance. We lead when we challenge an assumption without demeaning another person, speak with courage and restraint, and refuse to become less merely to make a room more comfortable. We also lead by creating enough safety for others to use their voices.
Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson is a pioneering researcher on psychological safety. Her research defined team psychological safety as a shared belief that a team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking and connected it with learning behavior in work teams.
Leadership and organizational behavior scholars James Detert and Ethan Burris have also studied employee voice and how leaders influence whether people raise ideas and concerns. In research involving 3,149 employees and 223 managers, managerial openness was related to employee voice, with employees’ perceptions of psychological safety helping to explain that relationship.
People continually assess the rooms they enter. They wonder whether speaking will cost them a sense of belonging, whether a question will be welcomed or punished, whether a concern will be considered or labeled, and whether confidence will be respected or mistaken for arrogance.
As leaders, we are not responsible only for finding our own voices. We help determine whether other people believe it is safe to find theirs.
Every time we dismiss a question without curiosity, ridicule an idea, punish respectful disagreement, or label a thoughtful person as difficult, we may be teaching someone to dim the very quality the organization will later need.
The next great idea may be resting behind someone’s fear of being called too much. The warning that prevents a serious mistake may be sitting inside someone who has learned that silence is safer. The question that leads to clarity may never be asked because the person carrying it no longer trusts that their voice belongs in the room.
Going Inward Without Disappearing
When criticism or uncertainty causes me to go inward, I am learning not to judge myself for needing time. I may need to reflect, pray, gather facts, or speak with someone who is wise, trustworthy, and willing to tell me the truth. I may need to rest before deciding what I believe. I may need to separate what was said from the meaning I attached to it.
Going inward can be a sacred place of examination. It can help us determine whether we need to adjust, clarify, apologize, release something, or speak again.
The danger is not in pausing. The danger is in never returning.
Social psychologists Juliana Breines and Serena Chen examined whether responding to personal shortcomings with self-compassion could increase motivation to improve. Across four experiments, they found that self-compassion supported motivation to address personal weaknesses, make amends after a moral transgression, study following failure, and pursue growth. Treating ourselves with care did not eliminate accountability. It helped people move toward improvement.
We do not have to shame ourselves into becoming better. We can hold ourselves accountable without becoming our own adversary.
We can acknowledge that we may not have handled every part of a situation perfectly. We may need to reconsider our timing or delivery, and we may have something important to learn. At the same time, we can remember that we still have something valuable to contribute.
Both can be true.
Finding our voice again does not always happen immediately. Sometimes we need time to pray, reflect, gather wisdom, and allow our emotions to settle. The goal is not to rush the process. The goal is to ensure that reflection eventually leads us back to clarity, truth, and movement.
Humility Does Not Require Us to Disappear
Romans 12 offers a balanced picture of humility and giftedness. It cautions us against thinking too highly of ourselves and calls us to sober judgment. The same passage recognizes that we have different talents and that those gifts are meant to be used.
Humility does not require us to deny what God placed within us. It calls us to steward it responsibly.
Second Timothy 1:7 reminds us that God has given us power, love, and self-discipline. Power without love can become domination. Love without power can become self-abandonment. Self-discipline helps us discern when to speak, listen, wait, adjust, and move.
We can be powerful without overpowering. We can be confident without believing we are superior. We can be teachable without treating ourselves as unqualified. We can respect boundaries without surrendering our discernment. We can remain humble without making ourselves smaller.
Letting our light shine does not mean insisting that we are always right. It means refusing to hide the gifts, wisdom, experience, and compassion we have been entrusted to use.
Question. Remember. Move.
When someone tells us that we are too much, we do not have to immediately reject the feedback or accept it as truth. We can question the story, remember who we are, and decide how to move with courage.
Question the Story.™
What was actually said or done? What meaning did I attach to it? What part of the feedback may be true? What information or perspective may I be missing? Am I being invited to adjust a behavior, or have I turned the comment into a judgment about my identity?
Remember Who You Are.
What have I forgotten about my character, experience, wisdom, resilience, and contribution? What evidence have I discounted? What values do I want to embody in my response? What does God say about who I am? What gift, perspective, or responsibility may I be called to steward in this moment?
Move with Courage.
Do I need to speak, listen, clarify, or apologize? Do I need to respect a boundary, ask another thoughtful question, or reenter the room without making myself smaller?
Courage does not always mean speaking louder. Sometimes courage is becoming quiet enough to hear the truth. Sometimes courage is changing our approach or allowing another person to lead. Sometimes courage is returning after we have gone inward and saying, with humility and clarity, “I still believe this question matters.”
Reflection
Reflection gives us an opportunity to separate what happened from the story we formed about what happened. It invites us to consider what we may need to learn without surrendering the truth of who we are. As you reflect, resist the temptation to answer quickly. Give yourself permission to become curious about the moments when your voice grew quieter, your confidence diminished, or you began adjusting your light to make others more comfortable.
- Where have I been told that I was too much?
- What part of myself did I begin to dim afterward?
- Was the feedback about a behavior I should examine, or did I turn it into a judgment about who I am?
- What do I need to learn from the experience?
- Where have I confused humility with making myself smaller?
- What gift, perspective, question, or voice might this moment require from me?
- What would it mean to move forward with both humility and courage?
You may discover that some feedback contained wisdom you needed. You may also recognize that another person’s words became more powerful than they deserved to be. The goal is not to prove that you were always right. The goal is to recover the ability to see yourself clearly, respond responsibly, and decide what the present moment requires rather than continuing to live from an old judgment.
My Commitment
Change begins when reflection becomes commitment. We may not be able to prevent criticism, rejection, misunderstanding, or accusations, but we can decide how we will respond to those experiences. We can remain teachable without surrendering our voices, accountable without condemning ourselves, and humble without diminishing what we have been given.
- I will listen to feedback without automatically surrendering my voice.
- I will examine my behavior without placing my identity on trial.
- I will respect appropriate roles and boundaries without disappearing.
- I will give myself time to reflect, pray, process, and recover what I know to be true.
- I will remain humble without diminishing my gifts, wisdom, voice, or value.
When the moment requires me to speak, question, advocate, or lead, I will move with courage.
What Does This Moment Require?
Perhaps the question is not simply, “Am I too much?” Perhaps the better question is, “What does this moment require of me?”
The moment may require restraint, listening, an apology, a boundary, or a different approach. Sometimes, however, the moment may require the curiosity, persistence, wisdom, care, or voice that someone else has called too much.
Do not confuse humility with disappearing. Do not confuse reflection with surrender. Do not turn down your light simply because someone else has not yet recognized what it illuminates.
Question the Story.™
Remember Who You Are.
Move with Courage.
Because the story that shaped you does not have to be the story that defines you.
References
Bledsoe, J. (n.d.). Who God says I am: Let God’s word have the final say [Bible reading plan]. YouVersion Bible App.
Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143. doi:10.1177/0146167212445599.
Detert, J. R., & Burris, E. R. (2007). Leadership behavior and employee voice: Is the door really open? Academy of Management Journal, 50(4), 869–884. doi:10.5465/AMJ.2007.26279183.
Downey, G., & Feldman, S. I. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(6), 1327–1343. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.70.6.1327.
Edmondson, A. C. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350–383. doi:10.2307/2666999.
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290–292. doi:10.1126/science.1089134.
Holy Bible, New International Version. (2011). Zondervan. (Original work published 1978).
Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396. doi:10.1037/h0054346.
About Deborah Stallings
Deborah Stallings is a speaker, educator, HR strategist, and CEO of HR Anew. She is the creator of Question the Story™ | Discover the Truth.™, a framework that helps individuals, leaders, teams, and organizations challenge limiting beliefs, discover what is true, embrace growth, create meaningful impact, and build lasting legacies.
Throughout her career, Deborah has guided leaders, teams, and organizations through complex workplace challenges. Her work has helped strengthen leadership, improve employee engagement and retention, develop talent, and build healthier workplace cultures. She brings together leadership, human behavior, workforce excellence, faith, and personal transformation to help people grow into who they are capable of becoming.
Growing up between Chicago’s public housing and her grandparents’ farm in Mississippi, Deborah learned that although our circumstances may shape us, they do not have to define us. That conviction has become the foundation of her work, her leadership philosophy, and the Question the Story™ movement.
Through speaking, writing, leadership development, coaching, and workforce advisory services, Deborah encourages people to question limiting stories, discover truth, pursue continuous growth, and live and lead with greater purpose, courage, and impact.
She believes the future belongs to learners, problem solvers, value creators, multipliers, and legacy builders. Most importantly, she believes the story that shaped you does not have to be the story that defines you.
Connect with Deborah at CEO@hranew.com or visit www.HRAnew.com.
About HR Anew
HR Anew is a WBENC-certified woman-owned professional services firm providing strategic human resources advisory, leadership development, talent solutions, workplace investigations, and workforce training. The firm helps organizations align people, purpose, and performance.
Since 1999, HR Anew has collaborated with healthcare organizations, government agencies, educational institutions, nonprofit organizations, commercial businesses, and mission-driven employers to strengthen leadership, develop talent, improve workplace culture, reduce organizational risk, and build high-performing workforces.
Whether serving as a Fractional Chief Human Resources Officer, workforce advisor, workplace investigator, trainer, executive coach, or leadership development collaborator, HR Anew helps organizations create workplaces where people thrive, leaders grow, and organizational performance strengthens.
At the heart of our work is a simple belief: when people grow, organizations grow.
Learn more at www.HRAnew.com.